A Place To Put It All

I am finishing up Week 9 of my student teaching. I have kept a journal the whole way through. These children are really testing me for all that I have. Each and everyone is a very special case of a child and I really KNOW that when I have a classroom I will be prepared for anything and everything. I am constantly in a high stress situation, because my class has a hard time behaving or simply being quiet. I love each and everyone of those students, but they really wear me down.

They have taken parts of my sanity and a lot of my health. I am constantly sick and it is jeopardizing my chance of ever getting ahead in my school work. I am always barely hanging on, between bsu work and school work. I teach all day long and when I get home, all I can think about is eating and going to bed. However, I know that I have TON to do and that I haven't worked ahead or even kept up like I should.

I look forward to weekends that I go home, this is a time where I get to be me, cuddle up with my boyfriend and his dog and watch a movie. Also this is the worst part of my student teaching for many reasons. I lose time that I need to keep up with my teaching. I am on the go constantly and I suppose I will be for the rest of my life. However, I feel that IMPORTANT personal things are being neglected. I can't wait until I can do this from home and start a stable life for myself.

50 MORE DAYS

It's hard to believe today was the 10 year anniversary and I don't feel like I've paid my respects like I should of. So I would like to reflect what I was doing on this day 10 years ago.

I was in the 7th Grade in Mrs. Peo's Social Studies class. It was first period and as we were watching Channel 1 the normal Mrs. Peo left the class, which she never did. She came back and was very disturbed. Everyone knew something was wrong, however the teachers were not at liberty to share with us. Throughout the day there was complete awkwardness and the teachers were congregating in rooms around a tv. Mr, Kubik shared with his class what had happened, but it is hard to believe another 7th grader when they tell you planes are crashing into buildings, finally I was pulled out of school early by my friends mom who was freaking out and we went straight to the gas station to fill up on gas. Funny the prices were so low then and the increase then would be welcome today.

I am so incredibly thankful that I got to come home for over a month this summer. I haven't gotten to do that in forever. Many great things came from me coming home as I have always anticipated. I gotten closer to old friends and found a companion.

I had so much to do this summer. Much of it involving Greg and Nicole's wedding. I thought once the wedding day arrived a lot of stress would be taken off my back. However the wedding day was the most stressful day yet. So much went wrong. Drama, horrible weather, and the DJ quitting an hour before the reception. I felt so bad for Nicole. However, she looked stunning even after someone trying to ruin her day, wind, and rain. We made it!

I am going back to Muncie tomorrow and yesterday was just an awful day in general. Many emotions hit me at once and I couldn't keep myself together, even in the company of great friends. I went home and finally got all of my tears out and woke up today getting a lot of my stuff ready for school. I really don't feel like I know what I am doing, but my goal is to take it a day at a time and figure one thing out at a time and do everything well.

I pray that December comes fast and I rock student teaching. Once I get that diploma, I can start making more serious decisions in my life and have much more control over everything that I NEED to have to control over instead of constantly relying on my mom, loans, and credit cards. It's awful. and it makes me feel terrible.

COME ON DECEMBER!

Life is great.

I know not having a job or going to school sounds lame, however. I have not had this kind of free time... Ever?!

My tan is rocking and the best part of being tan, means I am relaxing to get there.

My boy is amazing. I think I will keep him. It's the little things that I really admire. I am so very glad I've waited this long to date.

Summer is going by way too fast. Do I have to go back to school?

I have so many things I can post about. Here's a rough draft of my life.

School is going extremely well. I'm kicking my EDFON's class ass.

Work was awful, now it's just alright. I'm back up on my hours

I did miss work today. I have blood in my urine. I went to the health center.. Working on my health. It's hopefully my bladder, but she thinks it may be my kidneys. I'll know by Friday

I had the best weekend at home.
-Nicole's shower was GREAT
-My bridesmaid dress fits great, but of course it's too short, because i'm abnormally tall.
-I hung out with old friends alllll weekend
-Connected with a new man
*I can't wait to brag, but don't want to jinx it quite yet.

I'm getting an Orange Freeze from steak n shake, because my day has been full of pain and peeing.. I deserve this Shake

My new obsession is "Weeds" the television show, I recently got Netflix AND CANNOT GET ENOUGH!

<3

I feel like not enough I don't mention the plus side on this site. There are many. I am definitely living my life the best I know how. I miss my family a lot. I have found my way and I am following every dream I have for myself. There are great things headed my way and in the meantime I am making amazing memories with all my favorite people. I am going to be making more tomorrow, because I am going to Indy to see a couple of lady friends.

Not a single good thing has come from this Semester... Honestly. Not kidding.
List of crap.
-Crashed my car: $5,000 to fix and my insurance went up $500
-Phone broke: free
-Laptop crahsed: $1,500
-I've realized friends aren't really who I always thought they were: No price amount could be put on that because its worse than actually spending money
-My job has taken a huge dump on me and treat me horribly and now i'm stuck in Muncie over break while they will treat me like crap.
-I've put a ton into this semester just to see mediocre grades, and it's because i have a job and am balancing all my classes before student teaching
-Woke up today for my 8am final... at 8:05... crap
-Had a hold on my Bursar account.. thought I had a late library fee, but nope.. I had a hold for $3,264.75

Dont ask me where any of that money is coming from... because i don't have it.. Life after college isn't going to be the fresh breath of air i've worked so hard for. I know this post with a big ball of negativity, but I constantly look at the bright side and it honestly hasn't gotten me any further. I am entitled to look at all the negatives at times.

I know I've spent a lot more money than that this semester, but I don't even want to think about it.

I want to find that light at the end of my tunnel, but I've come to terms with myself that it's going to take me until I am 30. Honestly.

I know I am a terrific person, and bad things happen to everyone. But seriously. I'm very tired of death, money, and horrible people. I'd like to go a day without any of those aspects.

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I have many insecurities and I don't have the guts to post them online. Anything large about me i'm insecure about. My love handles, my huge ass, my megaboobs, my nose, thunder thighs. These are all typical things to be insecure about, so I don't stress out about them. Just pretend they're not there at all.

There are nights where I am excited to experience the unknown and be myself and do whatever the heck I please, but they all result in the same and being in the same exact place that I woke up in that morning. I want to experience something different.

Or perhaps I want to experience something I have already have. Because Nights like these I reflect on my past. When I was 17 years old, I seemed to have it all figured out. I had a person that would probably still be with me until this day, if I never broke his heart.

I look back and realize these people that I have erased from my life are people I still would like to be in it. I erased them so they wouldn't feel any pain of me. I thought If i disappeared they would heal. Now when I have so much to tell this person I can't, because life is so different, but that is exactly why I want to pick up the phone and go on an infamous taco bell trip, that I used to hate so much.

I look forward to life so much. I am 22 years old and it's honestly the same routine everyday. What makes me think it will be so different after I graduate? Sure, it will be different, until I establish a routine for myself in my new life, with a new classroom.

It's all routine, but however.. It's not the routine I desire. People tell you that things will happen for you. However how do they happen for you when you're stuck doing the same rotations. That's not how any of my love stories start or end. They are always doing something fantastic with their lives. Traveling, career driven, or just high school sweethearts that weren't meant to be until way later in life. As much as I'd like to travel, it won't happen due to my chosen career path and sure I am career driven, but I don't want to meet anyone from school, because they'll most likely be some child's father.. that would be messy.

I'm not saying that I need someone, because I don't.
Someone even thinks about commitment, I choke.
Dinner? No.. too scary.
I'll call you... please don't, I probably won't answer
I can't even commit to picking out an outfit for tomorrow.

Just some food for thought. I"m aware I don't have rational thoughts... ever. Just wanted a place to put some of them, because my journals for myself are exploding with absolute madness.

I am sorry if this doesn't make sense :)